This morning I was woken up quite harshly by the sound of a smoke alarm detector going off.  I wasn’t the only one in the house, my aunt was in the bathroom getting ready for work.  (I wish I could say that she was doing her make up and smudged something across her face when she jumped from the alarm going off.. but no. it’s not true, although that would be                        HIL-AR-IOUS!!).  I came out of my room and asked what was going on and she was in my mom’s room pulling down the detector.  It started beeping in her hand as soon as she walked into my mom’s room, but then stopped everywhere else in the house except for smack dab in the middle of the kitchen.  So obviously it’s malfunctioning.   We are smelling in there to make sure we dont smell anything out of the ordinary.. everything’s good.  So she puts a new battery in it, and goes to put it back up and basically, this is how our convo went:

Me: If it’s beeping when it’s in your hand and you put it back up, it’s going to set off everything in the house cuz it’s all connected.

Her: We dont know if anything is wrong, we are not firemen.

Me: So if you’re worried about it, why dont you just call the fire company to find out what’s going on with it.

Her:  Do you talk to all your friends like this? or is it just me?

Me: (a few mins later cuz I wasn’t dealing with her ranting at me for my simple question. And then she said something else that prompted me again to say:) Really, if you’re worried about it, call the fire company, the least they could do is come and determine that nothing is wrong with it.  The reason that I’m thinking that it’s malfunctioning is because the attic doesn’t go to that part of the house and if there was something wrong with the furnace, the beeping would have logically started in my room.

(then she starts raving)

Her: WE  ARE NOT FIREMEN!!! How do WE know if something is wrong?! WHO do you think is going to open the store if I have to call the fire company?

Me: I am home! Or do you not think I am capable of sitting in the house until the fire company comes?!

Her: YOU are the one insinuating that I am not capable, I called the fire company last week at the store when I heard the smoke alarm going off, WE are NOT firemen and dont know if something is wrong with it.  I haven’t gone up into the attic to see if there is anything wrong.

Me: So what’s the problem with calling the fire company to have them check it out OFFICIALLY!  So why dont you just call them now, so that when it takes them 15 mins to get here they can be here if something really is wrong, otherwise you are just going to go up into the attic to find if somethings wrong, and then if there is something wrong and you call when you get down it’s still going to take them 15 mins to get here and by that time the house could have burned down! So just call now instead of later.. if you’re really that worried about it.

So she goes up into the attic.. doesn’t smell anything wrong with it, takes the battery out of the one that was beeping in my moms room and then ignored me for the rest of the morning, except when the phone rang. 

I couldn’t tell her she was contradicting herself.. if we aren’t firemen, then call them, and dont argue about it by going up and seeing if something is wrong with it yourself.

And it was a credit company calling again.. I have to call them and A.) straighten it out.. and B.) tell them to take my house phone number off the account. 

I am 26.  Okay, so I still live at home so I have to deal with her.  I need a better job, and I know that and I have put applications in.. so i’m calling on God’s favor for a return phone call from at least ONE of those institutions so that I may get out of the job I am currently in.   I know God put me there for a reason, I just dont know what it is.. I have talked about the Lord on mult. occassions, everyone there except two ppl go to church on a regular basis.  So I feel the winds are changing and a new job is coming my way that I will embrace with open arms as long as I can just get out of this one.  Mentally and emotionally it is killing me. 

I go to church so that I fill myself up with positive energy, I’m never at home cuz I dont want to be around a always negative worry wart person.  I have been applying for job after job with no success as of yet, and she just keeps yelling at me to find a job, go and find a job.. apply for a job.. I HAVE BEEN!!  I’m just as frustrated about it too, but I know that God Will Provide!  He will never leave me or forsake me, he’s always right on the side of me and when he’s not on the side, he’s behind me scaring away the lion that is roaring in my face.  He is for me not against me. Thank you Lord for never letting go, for holding onto that rope that’s around my heart so tightly that I can never venture too far from you.  I thank you for the Peace that I will have today as I go into work and keep my cool and not get into another argument.  And that when I come home I will be able to handle those two companies with no problem.. and that I’ll be on my way out tonight b4 my aunt gets home so I dont have to deal with her.

That’s the thing, I Live in my house but I spend either most of the time on the computer or in my room.  Especially in the mornings, if I’m awake, i’ll stay in my room not making a sound until she goes to work and then I’ll get up and get ready to do what I have to to get to work. Unfortunatly, there I have to work with her and try my best to be civil with her.  And then when we come home she usually makes dinner and goes into her room and shuts the door and I dont see her for the rest of the night.

One time she said to me… You keep me in my room all the time.

And I said .. I am not the evil step mother and you CERTAINLY are not cinderella.  I dont have a key that locks you in your tower.  And if I have that much power over you to keep you isolated then there is something wrong and it’s something you have to deal with.

And I probably have to deal with it too and not let her have reign over my emotions as she does.  Anyway, I have to go get ready for work.  In the rain.

I belong to a women’s support group of sorts.. Basically it’s a combination of the 12 step program along with christian aspects and roots.  Which the Bible is the basis for the “Big Book” used in AA.  The founders of Alcoholics Anonymous were Christian men.. at least as far as I know.  So we go through this book and we write things about ourselves. Dig deep was the basis, but no one seems to be going back too far.. for me, it would be my first 4th step which is “take a personal inventory of yourself.”  Well, I get very hard on myself with I find faults and mistakes I have made in the past.  I keep getting told that this is not the time to fix these things or even address them, it’s just to take inventory of what is there.  So if I have issues with pride or jealousy or forgiveness, I will probably work through those things in the next steps.. but for now, all i have to do is write them down. 

Anyway, I asked tonight, off topic.. how I could mend and repair a relationship.  And of course, I have to give a little back story.

My youngest cousins live not 5 minutes from my house and yet I hardly ever see them.  I am 26 and they are 11 and 9.   When I do stop over they usually yell my name and come and wrap themselves around me.  I know that they adore me, yet with such a big age difference it is very hard for me to relate to them on their level.   So they have asked me repeatedly (although, as I think of it, not recently) to come over and play games with them or swim in the pool, or just watch tv sometimes.  Usually, my answer is always no, even if I dont always have something productive to do.  And my family and I have babysat these kids all their lives because their parents are very busy people and take on many jobs that take them away from their kids.  And we love having the girls at our house.  However, as they got older, sometimes if they didn’t eat right at the table, or were constaly asking for food even tho we just had dinner, they were often repremanded with “is this how you act when you’re out with your parents or when you’re at school?” and they always answer “no.” and we say “so, why do you act like that when you are here.”  Also, we dont have an extra bedroom for them to sleep, so they usually sleep in with either my mom or my aunt, but never in my room.  And my aunt goes to bed super early, like 7-8pm at the latest. My mom doesn’t stay up much later than that, they just assume watch tv from bed, where as I like to stay up as late as possible. 

So my uncle and my aunt both told me that the girls dont want to come over and sleep at my house anymore.   That although they may act silly at the table, they really just want to be in a relaxed family atmosphere and not be scolded or go to bed so early all the time.  And it’s summer, who wants to go to bed at 8pm when you’re 10 years old? 

And that they dont want to come over anymore disappoints me.  I even asked one of them “hey, you want to come over my house one day and you can sleep in my room?” (I’ll manage with them, there’s not that much room in my room but I dont want them not to come over).  And my youngest cousin goes .. “well, I have this book report I have to do and I still have to read the book.  It’s for school, and it’s due September 18th, I dont think I can come over.”  The kid is NINE.  Already coming up with PC comments like that to get out of something.  And it breaks my heart that they dont want to come over.

I have some work to do.  I need to approach them and I got some really good things to say to them tonight from my “support group”.  Sit them down and say “Hey, I know i’ve disappointed you a lot in the past.” and let them tell me how they feel and what they’d like to do.  I want to take them to a movie this week, they want to go see ”Ice Age – Dawn of the Dinosaurs”.  And my uncle even offered to pay their way for me cuz he knows that i’m short on cash, but he told me that they may say no because they have been disappointed so many times by me, that if they say no, just wait and ask again, dont totally give up on them.  Which I never would, I love them too much. 

My plans:

take them to the movies, to the beach, tell the crafty one - “hey, lets go to the crafts store and you buy what you want and then we’ll come home and you show me what you want to make with them.”, we’ll read books together, go bowling.  I love those kids.  I’ll do anything to be close with them again.  And I have to be reminded of that when they ask me to come over and do something, turn into the “yes woman”.  Say yes instead of no.

**If you can get past the game speak there is some real emotion towards the end**

So I talked to a guy that I play world of warcraft with and he said that a friend of mine posted something on the forums of our guild that sounded like he was quitting.  I told him, Kins, that I would call my friend, Dan, and see what was going on. 

So I called Dan, and yes, he’s quitting game.  Well, quit game.  Uninstalled the game (doesnt have the orig cd or the first xp disks), and uninstalled vent.  And went onto the wow website and terminated his account as of some date in march.  I have access to his account, so he told me that I should go on there and do whatever I wanted with his stuff and send his gold to me so at least it didnt get stuck on the account when it’s no longer playable. 

I did, I went through every one of his toons and sent all of his stuff and gold to one of his toons, then sorted through all the mails, and forwarded all useable items to some of my toons, most of the sellable stuff i sent to my own bank toon and i transferred all his gold to my account.  There were some things that he had held onto that made me teary eyed looking at it because I was with him when he got it.  Like the Don Carlos hat that summons a dog to run along side you when you wear it, along with his tuxedo jacket, formal pants and formal shirt that one of his toons wore when he wed one of my toons on a remote island off the white shores of Stranglethorn Vale.

And part of me being sad is yes, he quit the game, and I have said many times that when my real life friends start to migrate off the server or quit playing I will have nothing left to do but follow/quit respectively.   And Dan is the first one, but probably the most important to me out of the RL friends i have that play this game. 

The other part about it that makes me sad is that when he goes through these phases of game quitting (yes, it’s happened before), he usually goes all emo and deletes things like his myspace and facebook.  And with him living across the country the only way we really communicate is when we call each other,  which has been happening less frequently, probably because it’s getting warmer out there and he wants to have the windows down, not sweat in the car on the hour ride home talking to me on the phone.  He’s not the type that will stay in touch, if he gets out of the habit of talking to someone he’s not the one who makes the effort to rekindle the friendship.  The LAST thing I want to do is stop talking to him.  With wow it was easy, all he had to do was log on and we’d be talking, now it’s left to myspace, and emails.  Texts work too, sometimes.

Going through his stuff tonight actually made me cry, and then I was talking to another friend on aim about it while I was having my emotional cry-fest. And he was like “well, you know maybe it may just be time to move on.” and I’m not ready to let go.  Obviously i’m not ready to let go of a lot of things.

And I’d rather just be by myself, but it’s so lonely sometimes.

I have made so many mistakes as of late.  Something my pastor said today, in his wonderful, felt-like-it-was-directed-right-at-me message, was that God WILL let you ruin your life.  And that though He is always there and He’ll never let go of me, I have to grab onto him too.  So, although I was going to go through all the mistakes I’ve made, it doesn’t matter.  My sins have been washed away by the blood of the precious lamb and I don’t take that for granted, not anymore.  I have rededicated myself and I’m stepping back in.  Going to pursue a fresh fire and a fresh annointing.  I’m tired of being sick and tired.  Living for myself stinks, I want to live for God.

 

Amazing Grace – Chris Tomlin

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound,

that saved a wretch like me.

I once was lost, but now am found

was blind, but now I see.

Twas grace that taught my heart to feel

and grace my fears relieved,

how precious did that grace appear,

the hour i first believed.

My chains are gone i’ve been set free,

my God, my Savior has ransomed me

and like a flood his mercy reigns,

unending love, amazing grace.

the Lord has promised good to me,

His word my hope secures,

He will my shelter and portion be as long as life endures. 

My chains are gone I’ve been set free,

my God my Savior has ransomed me,

and like a flood his mercy reigns,

unending love, amazing grace.

My chains are gone, I’ve been set free,

my God, my Savior has ransomed me,

and like a flood His mercy reigns,

 unending love amazing grace.

The earth shall soon disolve like snow,

the sun forbare to shine,

but God who call me here below will be forever mine. 

Will be forever mine.

You are forever mine.

In fact, I can be a downright bitch.  I made my mom scream at me for being defiant and not putting in a load of laundry from the store that got all wet when the store got flooded two days ago.  Those towels reak and I didn’t want to even touch them, never mind lean them against my coat and haul them into my house and then ::gasp:: touch them to put them in the laundry.  So as my mom is yelling and screaming my name and telling me to stop being a fucking baby i shut the door and sat against it. 

Today wasn’t so bad so maybe there isn’t a reason for my behavior.  I had a Monavie party last night and no one showed up except for the guy giving the party.  So we had a training, which is good. 

Then today is the day that my aunts all get together and go through my grandmother’s things.   There is not a lot of it but everyone wants something.  And before I leave the house this morning my mom is like “dont cause drama today, dont start a fight.”  Thanks, thanks for bringing it to the forefront of my mind.  And nearly the moment I walked into work something fell and I screamed in aggrivation.  So there are clothes in my closet that were hers since my room was the one she once occupied.  And in order for them to go through the clothes that means that they must have to get into the room.  From the vantage point of the door you can’t even GET to the closet, never mind space enough to open the door and pull boxes out.  And no where to put them.  My aunt talked to me today and said “you just have to pull them out, not like we are going to go through the boxes in your room.” i said “that’s right you’re not. I’m ignoring the fact that you’re even doing anything.”  I’m going to be in my room blaring my music as my mom bangs on the door and yells at me through it.  And I dont even answer.  Pretend i’m not here.  Maybe i’ll climb out the window.  Wouldn’t be the first time I did that to get out of a punishment or something I didn’t want to do.

So why am I so damn immature.  And it’s only days like these.  Days when I just want to move out and quit my job in a heartbeat and then realize I have no money to do that.  And those are the same days I prayed that my bedroom door had a LOCK.  I wouldn’t have to sit against it if it just friggin locked.

Lately I’ve been saying to anyone who will listen that I hate my job.  Every single day I work (which is part time) I hate it.  The only time I like it is when I have a huge run and I’m on the road all the time.  And they aren’t calling me every five minutes saying “where are you, when are you going to be back?”  So yea, a part time job for 10 years. 

So today I talked to Dan for almost an hour.  I texted him most of the day and he is the ONLY one to make me smile in the past 3 days at least.  I texted him about an hour before we both got out of work and asked if he minded if I called him on the way home and talked for the entire hour.  He said of course he didn’t mind.  So when I got out of work I called him and then drove the 2 minutes home from work, and sat in the driveway for nearly a half hour just talking, and listening.  I have had employers call me, but most times the call goes straight to voicemail and I listen to it, deem it not interesting and move on.  I feel like I’ve just been lazy and one thing he said to me is “no one is going to help you get out of the hell you’re in until you help yourself.  Even if you have to get a second job just to save all your income from that.  Then you can move out here.” 

Moving, is not an option.  Not right now anyway.  With all the crap going on with my mom, and my family, not having any money, not paying my own bills.  I’m overwhelmed, frustrated, aggravated.  Sometimes I feel like I’m just not qualified for those jobs that they are calling me about.  Maybe I hyped up my resume or maybe I just don’t have the management experience.

I went to school for 6 years and got my Bachelor’s Degree in business, but I just don’t FEEL qualified.  — hm, I just typed that and read what I wrote and thought back to last year, I think it was… There was an evangelist at our church who comes every year, and he took me by the shoulders and he said “you ARE Qualified”  … How can I sit here and write this, and demean myself.  I got the training, the education, suffered through the classes… and still feel cuz i work for my aunt’s company that I’m still in high school just getting my “allowance”.  When someone said that to me i was like “no, i have worked there for 10 years, I’m making money.”  yea it’s money, but thinking back on the time, I’ve been capped out at my current wage for over a year.. if not two.  And I swear that it’s even gone down. 

So many what ifs.  What if I didn’t put so many limitations on my own life.  “I can only do this if…” ::sigh::

I’m never sure how to even start these.  So I guess I’ll just.. start.   A lot has been going on with me even though when asked it’s always “nothing” or “same sh*t different day”.   But it’s been crazy since September at least. 

In Sept my mom had a heart attack.  A serious, you-shouldn’t-be-alive heart attack.  And it’s a miracle that she survived it.  I was sleeping and my aunt (who I live with as well as my mom) came into my room and said that I should wake up.  I looked at her and told her I didn’t have to be at work for 3 more hours.  She said my mom had to go.  And I was like “it’s Saturday she doesn’t have work.” It was 5:30 in the morning.  We didn’t know she had had a heart attack until we were waiting in the Cardio unit of the hospital.  The guys from the ambulance came and took her on a stretcher and aunt carol followed behind in her car.  I didn’t go, I was fine, solemn.  But as soon as I watched the ambulance pull away and turn the corner, I started to shake.  I called Julie and we talked for a little while, I took a shower, felt nauseous and then aunt carol called from the hospital saying that my mom had to have a procedure and that I should come up to the hospital.  I finished dressing and getting ready and I drove up there.  It was decided that I wouldn’t work that day and spend it with my mom at the hospital.  While I was giving the keys to the store to my aunt’s boyfriend my aunts had been taken into a back room to be shown what procedure had been preformed on my mom.  She had 100% blockage of the main artery to her heart.  they put in 2 stints.  and 3 days after that she was moved to another hospital, west of where we live to have another surgery that put 2 more stints in the artery that wraps around the back of the heart which was 70% blocked. 

One night when she was in the hospital and I was visiting her there was a video on the TV that explained what heart attack survivors had to do when they got home in order to stay healthy.  Get and stay active, reduce drastically the amount of red meat that is consumed, stop smoking (if applicable), change diet.  One guy on the video said that he’d had a heart attack  2 years ago and hadn’t had a steak since then.  My mom said “oh I could never go without steak”.  And since September I think she’s had steak  more times than I can count.  I harp on her about it, but lately it’s been like talking to a brick wall.  She gets very defensive, but has even admitted to me and other people that she really has no idea what happened to her 4 months ago.  The doctor that preformed both surgeries on her is only a little more than a figment to her, he was “ghostly” to her within the first month, she had yet to see him face to face, until a doctor’s appointment in late October.

A lot of back story for what’s been going on.  But I’m worried about her. she’s defensive, and unresponsive, and I listened to her phone conversation today to her sister and she said she feels like she is just not happy, and when she’s not happy she’s irritated.  Which is all the time now a days.  She is sad that her physical therapy is ending, and she just got back from retreat saying that she didn’t get how everyone was all happy and she’s just been depressed.  It made me sad to hear her say that.  When I was talking at my “after-meeting” last night, I was saying I feel like I’ve been absent lately.  Before her heart attack she used to come home from work and I would listen attentively because I cared what was going on at her job.  The problems that she’d been having.  Since then, don’t get me wrong, i am eternally grateful and thankful to God that she is alive because I have absolutely no idea what I would do without her I love her so much, I’ve just been feeling like I can’t be bothered with her problems.  All I hear is that work is always a pain, the people always complain, Now she’s saying that she may be getting moved out of her office which will probably be a blessing but like everyone I know, change is scary although it is a part of life.

When I wrote down my negative feelings towards my mom, Julie wrote “why do you think that she’s starting to act like this” and I said that i think she’s afraid that something else will happen to her and that she wont be around.  she’s worried that if i don’t find a job and something happens to her that i wont be able to support myself.  Which is probably true, and me not getting a job is all fear based on my own account. 

I spent my day off from my current part time job that I’ve had for 10 years that I’m starting to resent, cleaning my house.  And all this work that I’ve been doing since 10:30 this morning, doesn’t look like i did anything.  I cleaned up the kitchen, loaded, ran, unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher along with putting away the pots and pans, did 2 loads of laundry (but didn’t fold the towels that were already residing in the dryer), cleaned my room, and sorted through a drawer in my filing cabinet, reducing the contents by about 50%. And I vacuumed my room and the laundry room (the other rooms had gotten done the day before by our brand new Dyson – syck machine i tell you.  if you thought your house was clean before, run a dyson over it and see what you actually missed!!) And then I laid down and started to read,  when my mom came home and said “oh you did a good job, but i need you to do more, take out the garbage, including the old vacuum and fold the towels on the dryer.  I was like “i’ve been working since 10:30 how come that’s not enough?”  And I actually said that.  So as I lay frustrated, trying to read a book that caught my interest for the first 24 pages, then I just wanted to try this thing out. 

I surfed it last night, and found I could write about just about everything from WoW to country music and the side business I’m doing, to Church my family and most importantly God.  All I need is the ambition to write.  We’ll see if that comes.

this is my first post on here and I plan on using this space to talk about my day to day life, when, in all honesty I remember to do it.